I never knew how break ups were supposed go.
I had been with my high school sweetheart for 8 years until one day I realized this wasn’t God’s best for either of us. We had grown up in a relationship and never had an opportunity to branch out and explore ourselves and our options and had an unhealthy dependency on one another only causing an unhealthy relationship to follow. God was calling us to be separated, long before the relationship ended and I had to finally make the hard decision neither one of us was strong enough to make permenantly.
Once it was over, I didn’t know what was the right or wrong way to handle a hard break up. I thought the best thing to do was get busy. I had invested so much time and energy into one aspect of my life that I put to side all of my other aspirations. I began to attend church regularly, travel the world, publish two books, get more active in my friend’s and families lives, dated around and just did whatever I wanted when I wanted.
I thought I was happy. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do. I thought I was okay. I thought the more I didn’t think about the relationship I had been in, and just enjoy the new found freedom, it would all work. I would meet the man I was supposed to marry and that would solve every other issue I ever had with the previous person. That everything would just go away over time.
But it didn’t go away. I was haunted by memories of heartbreak, insecurities that had driven their way deep in my heart, and a void that still had yet to be filled.
I was hurting and it frustrated me to no end that it was still a thing. I had been single for almost 3 years at this point and though the warm and mushy feelings were gone, the pain, anger, resentment, trust issues, hardness and bitterness I felt was still there. I didn’t want my emotions to have that power. I didn’t want my previous experience to still dictate the way I moved in relationships with people.
But it was. I was avoiding the most important part of breaking up…
The part where you heal.
So finally, at the beginning of 2018, I decided to take time to heal. I allowed the Holy Spirit to show me what was in my heart. I allowed the memories to rush fresh to my mind. I allowed myself to relive some of the most trying, testing and hurtful times in my life, so that I can turn them over to God. I allowed myself to grieve the loss of someone who had been in my life for over 15 years and a relationship that I would never have again. I didn’t just lose a relationship, but I lost a best friend. A person who watched me grow from a dorky annoying teenager to a young woman. Someone who had played such a crucial part in my story and witnessed many trials and triumphs. It was all hard. The good, the bad, the downright ugly. Whether it was caused by the relationship or not. It was all hard to face and let go. Who was I going to be, when this part of me was gone? I was afraid of the outcome, afraid of what was on the other side. Yet, even through the fears, I knew that I couldn’t turn around and go back.
There was nothing to go back to.
So finally, I decided give every single piece that hurt me, to Jesus. He was strong enough to take on the burdens I had picked up over the years. It was His job to fix, not mine.
What’s so dope about Him, is that He’s a God of exchange. He exchanged peace for my brokenness, hope for my suffering, joy for my sorrow…
Beauty for my ashes.
The Lord taught me how to forgive, how to show grace, and how to still maintain a Christ type love for someone who had been released from my life. He encouraged me that His plan and purpose for my life is greater than I could even imagine. He showed how He protected me, how He was always with me, and how He delivered me from my own self sabotage. And that everything that I experienced, would be used for the greater good.
He saved my life so that I could be the vessel He uses to save others.
Breaking up is hard to do, yes, but it’s even harder to do without Christ. The times I tried to move forward without Him leading the way, were awful and only led me back to where I started.
I know there’s someone out there that’s broken, someone out there that’s distracted themselves from the healing process, that’s distracted themselves from running to Jesus to take away the pain you feel. But He’s waiting. He’s patient. And He LOVES you! He loves you more than I could even begin to describe.
Just know, that when He CHOSE to die on the cross.. He did it for YOUR sake. He did it for your heartbreak. He did it for your mistakes. Your failures. Your setbacks. He had your name, your face, your smile and your destiny in mind when He surrendered and took His last breath. That’s love. That’s healing. That’s freedom of your heart and mind.
So today, I encourage you, that there is another side to the pain you might feel today. That if you give it God, the God of exchange…
He’ll give you new life and purpose in return.
Break up with your old life, and say hello to a new one.