Today I’m having one of those episodes, where I’m realizing the call on my life and how I said yes…
But now I’m thinking maybe I should’ve just hung up the phone.
Yep. I said it.
I SHOULDA HUNG UP ON JESUS!
“Who dis? Jesus? You looking for Tiffany? Oh, you got the wrong number fam.”
Like just the THOUGHT of it has my chest tight and my stomach in knots. Like I wanna throw up lol.
The other night, God showed me that the first time I ever got saved and answered the first call, I was eight years old. I remember like it was yesterday. I felt this pulling on my soul that I couldn’t explain. My head was bowed and I was sitting between my parents and my neighborhood friend, Tyler. And the special guest speaker asked if we wanted to be reconnected with our father in heaven and accept Jesus in our hearts. In my heart, I knew I wanted it. I didn’t know why.. but I wanted it. He asked us to raise our hands and my tiny arm sprung up, wanting this Jesus that seemed so exciting and fresh.
Unbeknownst to me, Tyler had raised his hand, watching me. And when they asked us to come to the front, I practically ran up there. Wanting God. Wanting Jesus. Though, I didn’t cognitively understand who they were, a small part of me knew I needed them. It only made sense.
So Tyler and I accepted Jesus that day. We were saved. And had no clue what it meant lol.
It wasn’t until I was fifteen, that I would accept Jesus with real understanding. I remember, I was going through a bout of depression and dealing with suicidal thoughts. I was being bullied at school, over a boy, and the people I thought were my friends had turned on me. I felt I had no one in my corner and was so misunderstood. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating and I was begging my parents to get me homeschooled or transfer me. It had gotten that bad, in my eyes. I had never been the “enemy” in any situation. I was always respected and well liked, so to be turned on when I always kept quiet and shied away from drama, was different for me. I hated it.
Depression was weighing on me heavy. I remember sitting in church, the weight of the world on my shoulders. 3 of my friends were sitting with me, and we were all in the back. They were clowning around and talking like we typically did, but I was zoned out. I was listening to our Pastor and everything he was saying. And I knew I wanted to feel peace so bad. I wanted to feel okay and I was recognizing I wasn’t okay.
As service was nearing a close, I just remember my leg shaking in my seat as the altar call went forth. I knew that Jesus was the remedy for how I felt. I knew in my heart that with Him, I would never feel alone again. I was desperate for relief. Desperate for anything that would make the pain go away.
This time, when Pastor asked for hands to go up, I didn’t even raise mine. I just let my feet carry me to the altar. I jumped out of my seat and practically toppled over my friends, desperate to get to Jesus. Desperate to be free.
I stood at the altar, tall and strong, waiting to accept Him in my life. And before I knew it, the same three friends I was sitting with were standing with me. Initially to support me, but we actually all ended up accepting Christ together. We were so happy and excited that night. Excited to start this new journey. Excited to discover Jesus. Loving the wholeness and peace we felt within our hearts. It was beautiful and we did it together.
God took me back to those two moments of when I gave my life to Him, and showed me I was never alone in my pursuit of His love. That my life was to be one that drew people back to Christ. That people would see my desire and my seek and that it would lead the example for them to follow. That I was always called to have influence, and the influence would always be for His glory. And He’s been urging me more than ever to really jump head first in the special ways He wants to use me, and that He’s already prepped me for this work.
But the past few days more than ever, it’s felt heavy and weighty. I’ve been asking questions like, can I really do this? Do I have what it takes? Am I ready for this? Am I ready for the sacrifice?
And you know what I realized? That even with my insecurities and my doubts, God isn’t changing His mind. He hasn’t changed His mind since that moment when I was eight, at that altar, saying yes for the first time, and the manifestation of the call on my life standing right next to me.
Am I scared? ABSOLUTELY!
I don’t want to disappoint God. I don’t want to miss the people I’m called to reach.
But guess what?
GOD STILL ISN’T CHANGING HIS MIND! I HUNG UP AND HE CALLED ME RIGHT BACK!
Like He did for Moses, He has already gone before me and prepared my steps. He’ll do the dirty work, I just have to be obedient.
I don’t know why I was so compelled to share this with you all. Maybe you’re wrestling with your yes, maybe you’re running from your calling because you think you’re not capable of doing it, maybe you think it’s too much to sacrifice. Maybe you’re scared, like me.
But just know, if EYE can do this, you can do it. God was already doing it. He was already leading my friends to get saved. I just wanted HIM and the fruit of that manifested itself.
So, I’ll leave you with this.
You’re thinking about it too much.
Quit playing and let God, be God bro.
He’s big enough for the job.