I know.. I know.
It’s been a minute.
Shoot when was the last blog I wrote?? In MARCH? Whew Chile.
I’ve been slipping. I know this.
Ya’ll wanna know why I’ve been gone? Like the REAL reason? This is a space for honesty and transparency right? Right??
Okay.. I’mma keep it ALL the way real.
After sharing my blog, December 13th, I kinda crashed. The details of that blog was such a huge part of my life, and I had been holding in sharing the full story of what happened that day/week for sooooo long that releasing it, in a sense, drained me. Plus.. it had such a major impact on so many people, I was kind of intimidated about what to talk about next?! What could top that? That was my genuine thought, so I was literally stumped.
2018, God was dealing with me so heavily in the area of my last relationship and just men in general, and I truly had to walk out some major healing. That’s why majority of my blogs centered around those topics. I believe now I finally got the full healing and restoration that I needed in order to truly release and move forward.
I’ve apologized to ones I’ve hurt, I’ve forgiven those that have hurt me and I’ve truly taken a step back from dating or even being interested in potential partners since the top of the year. I literally had to have honest and raw conversations with the men that have been interested in me this year. Explaining honestly that either I’m not interested or I’m not at all prepared for what it was that they were pursuing..
Or even telling THEM that they weren’t ready for me. A man approached me this year wanting to pursue for marriage on day 2 of knowing me and he had neither a car.. or a bed of his own. Not knocking him or anything.. but the last thing he needed to be interested in was pursuing me. He needed to be pursue stability first.
That’s another blog for another day chile.. learned a lot with that one lol.
But yeah man, honestly. I can say I’ve reached contentment in my singleness. Simply because of reason number 2 of why I have not been blogging this year…
God has been dealing with ME. ALL of me.
My insecurities, my vulnerability issues, my trust issues, forgiveness in relationships, selfishness, people pleasing, rejection, fear of confrontation, destructive cycles and habits..
ALL OF ME!
It’s been rough. To explain it plainly.
Have you ever had to take a look in the mirror and realize the mess that is YOU? All of the toxic mindsets and behaviors. All of the LIES you’ve believed about yourself. All of the dangerous belief systems that shaped your entire LIFE?!
Yeah man. When you look at the nitty gritty of who you are.. you realize YOU’RE NOT ALL THAT!!!
I’m flawed. I’m sooooo flawed.
I never want any of you to look at my blog, my social media, or anything and think I got it all figured out.
Because honey trust me.. I DON’T!
I mess up.
I hurt people.
I shut down.
I can be lazy.
I can pretend like everything’s fine when on the inside everything is screaming and begging for freedom.
And this year, God has been showing me just how flawed I am in the most loving way possible.
Like I’ve really come to the reality that I’m flawed..
BUT HE STILL CHOOSES ME!
BUT GOD LOVES ME!
BUT I AM A CHILD OF GOD!
BUT GOD STILL THINKS I’M WORTHY TO BE USED.
BUT GOD IS STILL FAITHFUL!
That’s the reality of me. It’s the reality of all of us.
We have our stuff. That’s a given. But God still created us knowing every single flaw because he loves us and desires for us to choose him. And even if we don’t.. he still chooses us.
Such a powerful truth that’s taken me nearly all year to believe.
That’s how flawed I am.
So that’s why I’ve been ghosting. I didn’t think I was any good. Didn’t think I was worthy to be used by God. Didn’t think I could come on here and be fake with ya’ll like I got it all together or I’ve mastered the things I’ve blogged about.
Truth is.. I haven’t. Lol. I wish ya’ll knew how much I come back and read my old blogs just to remind myself of what God said about a thing because I slipped back into old habits and ways.
God is good.
God is SOOOOO good.
And I’m finally grasping it. His good is above me. His good outweighs all my bad.
Bottom line.. I’m his kid. And what you see is simply his anointing on my life. It sure isn’t me. This is GOD.
Tiffany will fail and disappoint..
But God never will.
Trust his faithfulness, not my limitations.
And that right there… is the safety and protection of being used by God. Knowing that whatever he desires to do, never should point to us.
It’s always him.
And that definitely makes me feel a whole heck of a lot better.
So.. I’m back! Definitely still under construction and will be until the rest of forever lol.
Feel free to join me as I figure this walk out. Whatever I learn.. or don’t learn, I’m willing to share.
We’re all in this together.
Jasmine McClendon ConnorFriday, November 15, 2019