When I think of the word freedom, I first think of words like slavery, bound, chains and restricted. So as I was praying and writing one day, God revealed to me that during this season of isolation, He wanted to show me how to be free. Not only to be free, but to be free in who I am in Christ.
Initially when He gave me this word I was excited! I was like “Yesss God I want to be free! Make me free! Show me how to be free!”
I had absolutely no idea what I was praying for. None!
As the days went on, God began showing me every insecurity I had about myself and bringing them all to the surface. He showed me things that were keeping me bound, chains that hadn’t been broken, ways I restricted my personality and the parts of myself I had become a slave to.
When I thought of God setting me free, I didn’t think of everything that stripped freedom away from me in the first place. Starting with my own insecurities. I began to realize I was a person that wasn’t even comfortable in my own skin. I always felt awkward or like I didn’t know how to make my own body work for me. I had no idea how to move comfortably or how to embrace who God had created me to be.
God then began to allow me to feel His grievances to my self-rejection and self-hate. He told me once, “How can you reject the very thing I created? I created you in my image. You are my reflection. When you hate yourself, you hate me.”
I could hear God weeping in my ears and it broke my heart into pieces. Not only for His anguish, but because in that moment I still couldn’t bring my mind to love myself.
But I wanted to.
So I asked God for His help. I asked God for His eyes. I asked God to redefine what beauty meant to Him.
And to Him, beauty was freedom.
That word again. Freedom.
I was beginning to feel freedom massage its way through my heart. And the more I felt free on the inside, the more awkward I felt on the outside.
Everything I thought I knew about myself, was changing. Everything I used to care about, I no longer cared about in the same way.
I had no idea what to do with myself.
And then God told me to cut my hair off.
My hair? The same hair I had been growing out of a relaxer for 3 ½ years? The same head of hair that was the longest it had ever been in my adult life? I had just reached my bra strap, what do you mean CUT IT OFF?
He didn’t mean a bob. He didn’t mean a trim. He meant OFF.
As the thought danced in my mind I started realizing how much WEIGHT my hair held.
I always thought my beauty was in my hair. If my hair was on point, I was on point. If my hair was a mess, I was a mess. The longer my hair was, the prettier I would feel. Every time I would be out, I would try to see if I had the longest hair in the room and if I didn’t, I would envy whoever had longer hair than me. And if I did happen to have the longest hair in the room, I would do a cocky little hair flip or always mess with it just so I could get that “Omg your hair is so long!” comment.
Pathetic right? But that was me.
My worth had somehow ascribed to the length of my hair, simply because I had worked so hard to grow it out and to grow it out naturally.
Plus I felt the longer my hair was the less my flaws were brought to the surface.
If I have long hair you won’t be able to tell how big my nose is. If I have long hair you won’t be able to see how long my head is. If I have long hair and a side part, you won’t be able to see my forehead or how my edges don’t lay down like I would like them. If I have long hair, you won’t pay attention to how broad my shoulders are. If I have long hair you won’t see how chubby my cheeks are.
Surely cutting my hair OFF would bring my “flaws” to the surface right? No way could I embrace all of these insecurities at once and still feel beautiful. No WAY!
But.. it was exactly what God wanted.
He wanted all of my insecurities to be brought to the surface so we can deal with them one by one and He can have the freedom to show how perfect the way he made me was. He knows I’m in a space of openness and vulnerability with Him, so no time like the present.
As I prepared for this transition in my life I can admit that I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn’t adjust to the change very quickly and that I would crumble at the weight of insecurity even though the weight of my hair had shed. I was afraid because I didn’t know who I would be on the other side or if I was even going to like her. I was afraid that I was going to have regrets…
But.. I did it afraid.
And I am absolutely in LOVE with the results! I cut my hair off and realized, this was the person I was always meant to be. I found myself having more confidence with less hair on my head than I ever did with a long head of hair. I look more mature and feel more care free. I can get out the bed, shower and touch my hair up and I’m out the door.
At this point, I don’t even know if I’m ever growing my hair out again. If I do, I do. If I don’t, I don’t.
That’s how free I feel now. Free to be creative and expressive in whatever suits my mood.
I thank God for telling me to cut my hair off. It was exactly what I needed to represent this journey of freedom I have been on.
Long hair, short hair, big nose, stretch marks, blemishes, broad shoulders, huge boobs, slim waist, big forehead… Whatever my flaws are at the current moment..
I’m still beautiful.
Simply because I mirror the reflection of the one that created me.
Nothing more, nothing less.
And letting go of the weight of it all, was all that needed to happen.