I’m having a moment.
As I type this, there are tears in my eyes as “The Call” by Isabel Davis is playing in the background.
Oh Mighty God, we need you right now. Reveal your glory and pour your spirit out.
I’m singing along, poorly, wiping the fresh tears as I feel the prayers of those aware of my current weight. Texts are coming in by the minute, filled with prayers being sent my way.
The power of community.
Today was a hard one. Today, I felt the weight of every prophetic word hanging over my life. The words that said I would be successful, that I would be wealthy, that I would have a mass influence, that I would change the world in Christian media..
That I was to be more than what I saw today.
More than encouraging, it felt like a bad dream. Like I was being haunted by what I was supposed to be. And here I was… not that and no idea how to ever be this woman that God told me I was going to be.
My books aren’t selling, I have very little social media engagement yet tons of followers somehow, no team, no knowledge of how to truly market myself, no direction, no guidance, no idea how to even run this website, no “friends” with mass followings helping me out. Nothing. All I can see is where I lack. Where I fall short. Where I don’t measure up. And the frustration is building daily as I scroll on social media, reading success story after success story of those that have built businesses “seemingly” overnight. And here I am. With the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me, yet I feel helpless.
To me. This looks foolish.
And this is the part where I’m brought to the scripture, 1 Corinthians 1:27 “Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.”
I am that foolish thing. But it’s so hard to accept the living and breathing word of God, when you’re going through it. I don’t see it today, I don’t know how it’s going to happen.
And this is where my faith is supposed to kick in, right? Yet, faith without works is dead.
I feel like I’m not doing my part. I think a part of me just expects God to send the person that’s going to see what He sees and will have the resources to change everything around. I’m believing for that, but until then.. what can I do? How will they see me? How will they find me? How will I do this??
As I sit here, surrounded in my own defeat and wanting to quit and give up, my ever so faithful, loving and gentle God whispers to me..
“Your gift will make room for you.” Plucked from his very own word, Proverbs 18:16. What’s so amazing is that the rest of that scripture reads, “..and lead you before important people.”
God’s word is filled with his promises to us. And if we believe it to be true, everything he promises will be true.
I may not see the manifestation of the prophetic words in regard to my business over my life, today, but I can’t allow myself to be swallowed in this despair. I have to believe God, because the Father I know, is NOT a liar.
He will send the resources, the people, the money.. whatever I need. HE will send it.
All I have to do is stay faithful and continue the last thing He told me to do. Which was to continue to seek His face. He’s preparing me for the place that I don’t see yet, because He’s a good father and he knows when I’ll be ready to receive such a magnitude of blessing. And I can’t compare my 1 talent, to those with 5 or 10. I have to do what I can with what he gave ME. My talent won’t look like the next person’s. My story is His to unfold, and I can’t compare because He made me to be different. He made all of us that. Unique to us.
I might be having a moment, but the God I serve is bigger than this moment. And through more worship, and prayer, leaning on those that God has sent to helping me through. I’ll overcome this moment. I’ll be okay.
But sometimes I’m not okay.
And I’m learning.. that’s okay too.